I can’t.
I’ve tried to watch those stupid Snapchat stories but the fact that they repeat information several times before actually saying anything, and you’re interrupted by an advert every 10 seconds makes them completely unwatchable. Snapchat stories are garbage and the company should be ashamed at how bad they are.
join us next week as I wistfully long for the days of Vine.
During a trip to visit family, I drove around the city and took a few pictures of some of the murals in Birmingham, Alabama.
I hope everyone had a great Halloween full of candy and spooky fun! We only had 4 trick-or-treaters at my house tonight, but the kids costumes were cute and it was so much fun handing out candy.
This, of course, means the holiday season has begun! (Christmas bells off in the distance)
From the description:
Pediatrician Luce’s family is coming to his house for Christmas dinner—and his drunken ex just drove a car into the dining room! Can contractor Darren fix the hole in the house—and Luce’s heart?
this is an old post from Medium circa 2017, I’m trying to consolidate posts of mine from around the web into one place.
…
Ive wrestled with being comfortable enough to share this story and it really isn’t something I do lightly. It IS something i’ve grown exhausted having to recount to each person I might be interested in… in whatever way… only to have them disappear after hearing the tale.
in September of 2017, I was running a high fever and had a literal pain on my ass, as, what I thought was, a pimple that wouldn’t go away. I thought I was just coming down with the flu. I went to an urgent care facility to get treated for my flu and while I was there I collapsed as my blood pressure dropped. the nurses got me on a table and a doctor asked me what my symptoms were. “I think its just the flu….. and I have this weird pimple on my butt that wont go away.” He pulled down my pants to discover the “pimple” had suddenly begun to grow and quickly. He called an ambulance and I was rushed to a hospital nearby where the doctor there diagnosed me with a flesh eating bacterial infection. He later modified the diagnosis to whats called “Fournier’s Gangrene”
The infection was spreading quickly and my Mother and my (then) partner were there to say their goodbyes. The doctor was brutally honest that a significant number of people do not make it out of surgery with this type of infection. I was brought into surgery and the last thing I remember is thinking how futuristic the surgical lights looked and then I thought I was on a spaceship and then… out.
Over the next two weeks there are some flashes of memory. I remember some of my friends coming to visit. I remember telling my sister about the new Star Wars movie. My first real memory comes from two weeks after that day. I woke to find that the infection had spread and consumed my scrotum. My testicles had been implanted into my thighs and several skin grafts had been done to help me begin to heal. I had been fitted with a colostomy as the entire area from below my anus to around my genitals had to be removed. Luckily, my penis was saved.
I spent the next few week learning how to walk again, how to dress myself and how to bandage and dress my wounds.
After a few months the colostomy was reversed but a scar still remains. There are still so many scars that remain
I’m still dealing with the ramifications of such a major change to my body. I scroll through twitter and see people being proud of their bodies and I’m so happy for them, but I can’t help but think I have this horrible secret, a deformity that I am ashamed of. I survived the surgery, the hospital stay, and the pain that comes still when I bend a way I used to.
There have been the inevitable gender questions, the ideas that without a part of my genitals, am I a “real man”? I can’t help but feel like something deformed and ugly when I see my scars.
I’m not writing this to garner sympathy or pity. I’m writing this so I’ll have your understanding. So you’ll understand why I don’t have a lot of nudes or why I’m anxious about letting another person see my naked body. Because it looks different now. I’m different now.
I am writing this because I want people who suffer from this kind of body dysmorphia to know that you’re not alone. I’m writing this because I need to start the work of being ok with my body and not feeling like a freak. I don’t have any of the answers, but I hope you’ll come a long on this journey with me.
Could you tell me? Because I haven’t a clue. The tiniest of inconveniences tonight has made just so damn irritated.
I’m in a good place in my life. I have a good job, two partners who love me, my sobriety, while a challenge, is manageable. My family is loving and supportive… so why am I so angry?
It may be because of my ADHD. I often get frustrated when I can’t focus on something long enough to finish it. I have 100 projects that I’ve started and very few that I’ve actually finished. So when I go to continue working on something, I can get overwhelmed at how much I have to do and then get nothing done because I don’t know where to start.
It could also be that it’s pride weekend here in Atlanta and a part of me feels ashamed of the mess I’ve made of my life. I have very little interest in a bunch of companies waving rainbow flags at me when not a single one of them has responded to the mountain of resumes and applications I’ve filled in.
I guess part of is externalising of blame as well. I’m mad that I can’t go to pride because I know he’ll be there. My former partner with whom I used to use. He once bragged to me that he knew just what to say to his therapist and other partners so that they would leave him alone about his drug use. He saw himself as this great chameleon who might slip through the cracks of any system that might try to hold him accountable for his actions.
I am no such animal.
I feel great remorse for the harm that I’ve caused myself and my relationships. Getting to 11 weeks of sobriety has been a tough journey. I’ve wept and I’ve anguished, I’ve fought with myself and those I once called friends. When we parted, he told me he simply didn’t want to put in the effort to maintain our relationship.
In hindsight, it was a good thing for me. (not that he could have known that) It forced me to come to terms with my own addiction and eventually claw my way out of it. Still I wonder if he’s resumed his manipulation and deceit. I question whether or not he’s actually faced his demons or just said the right thing to the right people to get them to look the other way.
Either way, I stand at peace, tonight’s dramatic fainting couch not withstanding.
So even with my frustrations, and my whining about little inconveniences, I venture forth into the future and look for ways to make tomorrow better.
I have a confession to make: I’ve been keeping two blogs. One with regular writing about things on my mind and another about my journey out of addiction. I’ve made the decision to write here about my sobriety so that I can stop feeling like I’m hiding this part of me.
I recently told my family what I’ve been going through and the depth to which I sank in pursuit of my next high, and the love and acceptance I received has been nothing short of mind blowing to me. I hated myself for so long that I had convinced my drug addled brain that my loved ones would hate me as well.
Instead, I was met with love and support. I feel like I’ve bathed in unconditional love. I’m truly fortunate to have a family that has stood by me through so much and watched me slip just out of death’s fingertips so many times.
Im now 11 weeks sober; just shy of 3 months. I’m still going to therapy, attending 12-step meetings and rebuilding my life.
A few months ago, I was in a very destructive relationship, spiraling out of control and filled with anxiety to the point I was having auditory hallucinations. I hated myself so much I just wanted to die. I had alienated my friends, become a stranger to my family and was consumed with loneliness and self hatred.
But thanks to the love of my family, who didn’t know the entire truth about what i was going through, and the help of an amazing therapist, I’ll soon be celebrating 3 months of not using.
It didn’t start easy, but it gets easier as time passes. As my therapist says “It’s harder to GET clean than it is to STAY clean.”
I’m more emotionally stable, I found an amazing job that challenges me professionally and creatively … and I’m rediscovering my love of books, nerdy things(read: Star Wars) and rebuilding friendships.
The last poem a wrote about my failed relationship has a line I feel so deeply every day: “I was going to do so much for you, but now… I think I’ll do it for me”
thanks for reading.
I love you
keep going
One of my partners wrote a book before I did. Didn’t see that one coming 🙂
Check out Alphabet Zoo by Kristian Matthews-Kennington on Apple Books!
Thanks to a new WordPress plugin, this blog is now part of the fediverse! Which means users at Zachmack.me can view and reply to content on platforms like mastodon! It comes at a time when Twitter is imploding into a right-wing abyss full of nazis.
I hope I can find a new audience here!
I’ve been finding my own peace lately. Sorry, I don’t have any secret to finding peace to share. In fact the concept I’ve found the most helpful in my own journey is one that has been discussed by many religious and philosophical traditions.
Meditation.
In many portrayals of meditation, its seen as sitting crossed legged while thinking deeply. In many cases the focus is not on thinking, but on not thinking. Quieting your mind and allowing your focus to remain in the here and now seems simple in concept, but can be incredibly difficult. When you’re someone living with ADHD like me, it can seem downright impossible. I find my mind often racing, trying to remember facts, tasks, thinking about upcoming events. Not allowing my mind to wander or question and to simply live here and now. The Jedi called it the “Living Force”, allowing existence to wash over you and, instead of controlling it, simply allowing it to be. Lately I’ve been practicing keeping my mind in the present, rather than worrying over future unknowns or beating myself up over past knowns, simply knowing. Not doing.
There is a peace in existing only in the present because so often the things that disturb us are either in the past and unchangeable or are in the future and un-knowable.
A word of advice I often give to friends who are worried about this or that that may or may not happen in the future is this: “Is there anything you can do about it right now? If there is something you can do now, then do it. If there isn’t, there is no sense in robbing yourself of peace by worrying.” Worrying will not change the past and it won’t affect the future, it just prevents you from finding peace in the now.
“For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings, are we. Not this crude matter.” -Jedi Master Yoda
Go forth and be luminous, my friends